Babblings of a Brown-Eyed Blabbermouth

i like it...

2010-06-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

the clippings...

2010-06-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

you know what annoys me more than anything in the world (okay that may be a slight exaggeration, but it's still super annoying..)

When people cut their fingernails in public!

That sound. That click.

The fact that teeny little fingernail cuttings are just being thrown about all willy-nilly like.

The things that used to be under those fingernails... ugh!

I've heard it happen on an airplane before. Gross.

Most recently- a bailiff in a courtroom-- during a trial.

(shuddering just thinking about it)

why did i not see this one coming....

2010-05-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Its funny sometimes... years later, how things come around and start to make sense...

Remember the boy I "dated" in college who I never could really figure out? You know, the one who puked all over my comforter that time...

I spent years, YEARS agonizing over him. Over our "situation." Whatever it was.

I think he's the one who initiated my trust issues. I always knew there was a big secret there that I never could figure out. I thought he was dating this older woman when he'd secretly disappear on these wild vacations. I always could tell something wasn't quite right.

Yet I wanted him. So bad! Maybe it was because I never quite could "get" him... maybe if we'd made out, I'd have just treated him like anyone else...?

Regardless, it never actually worked out. Looking back, I wasted faarrr too much of my college career obsessing over this boy.

Saturday night I got a phone call.

That boy I could never figure out?

Is gay.

What a waste of so much of my life. So much worry and stress and initiation of not trusting boys...

Over a guy who was probably gay all along.

How did I not see this coming?!

that time i went missing...

2010-05-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry to all 2 of you who read my blog for being totally absent from your lives lately. I have no excuse. It's not like I was off doing anything (or anyone!) interesting. Or maybe that is my excuse... my life is so boring its not even worthy of discussion.

I'll try to get back on track tomorrow...

in the meantime I leave you with one of my favorite things of all times...

just for today...

2010-05-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

via here

the (really) old man...

2010-05-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

I moved in with my parents for a while. When I did, they invited me to supper club. Some of their supper club friends are hilarious, plus there would be really good food and wine for free. So I went.

At supper club that night, one of my mom's friends got it in her mind that she wanted to set me up with a friend of hers. We share a profession, so I should know him (according to her). This lady and her husband are a ton of fun, so I figured their old man friend would be too. And they don't really seem as old (no offense, guys!) as my parents, so I didn't see too much of a problem with this situation. So, together we all went to dinner to celebrate the matchmaker's birthday. He was turning 48 or so. The guy they were setting me up with went to high school with them.

But again, I wasn't worried. I can talk to a brick wall, so I didn't figure it was a problem. My mother, however, was freaking out/disgusted about all of this.

Once I arrived at dinner (with my matchmaker couple friends), old man was there already, waiting on me with a glass of champagne in his hand. A different bottle of wine accompanied each course (of which there were many- far more than I am used to!). Gifts of expensive wine and history books were given to my matchmaker friend for his birthday. Conversation wasn't awkward.

I can totally see how this happens. This young girl/old man situation. I mean, he knew the way to my heart-- expensive food/wine! He had manners. He was well-dressed. He drove a very nice car.

The check came and my "date" paid the bill for our entire table (take that, Splitzskies!). There was no way we got out of there for under at least $500. And that's the very least.

Then, it was time to go. I had ridden there with my matchmaker friends. My "date" offered to drive me back home. Cue awkwardness. I guess I hadn't thought of this as a "date" so much as just getting spoiled to a nice dinner by people nearly as old as my parents. It was then that I got weirded out.

I declined his offer, thanked him for dinner, and rode back home with my matchmaker friends.

I haven't been invited out with them again... oops.

words to live by...

2010-05-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

i don't understand bubble baths...

2010-05-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

okay, yeah, that's probably the weirdest thing anyone has ever said, I know.

but really. I get bored in a bubble bath. I can't read a book, because I can't figure out how not to get it wet. and just sitting there, well, is boring.

and I'm scared if I fall asleep, I'll drown.

and the bubbles-- they don't ever get off of you. or out of the bathtub once you drain the water out of the tub.

and I may be alone here-- but bubble baths make me hot. I just sit there sweating, wondering how long I'm supposed to be in the bathtub for the "relaxing" part of it takes hold.

it seems so romantic and ideal... but it never seems to work out like that for me.

maybe I'm too ADD to even relax in a bubble bath.

help?

just smile...

2010-05-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

things happen. not always good. but I'm gonna try to be like this goat...

and just smile!

how cute is he?!

and props to my sister for taking this hilariously amazing photo!

on "joining forces"...

2010-04-27T14:50:00.000-07:00

so, I spent all weekend watching the Hills marathon, and happened to remember to DVR the City since it was on in the middle of the night (why'd they do that, by the way? I like it much better now that LC's not on the Hills!).

how did I forget about the time Whitney went on a blind date and the awful kid she was set up with asked her to "join forces" when the check came?! It was my Splitzskies moment on reality tv!

I think maybe guys need to start watching MTV realty shows so they'll learn what us girls make fun of them for doing.

ahem, pay our checks.

but if you can't, don't say stupid stuff like

"join forces"

"go splitzskies"

just say "let's split the check."

(Really, it's not hard.)

i love jesse st. james...

2010-04-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

This is why I'll love Jesse St. James no matter what.

(I mean, just listen to him sing-- plus, this song won't be on any shows, so enjoy it online only!)

I know, I have a bad feeling about him-- just like I'm sure everyone else does. But I still love him. A lot.

Almost as much as I love Finn... (but not Cory Montieth-- apparently he's a high school dropout. Yikes.)

i hate this week...

2010-04-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

last night at the grocery store, the cashier looked at me sideways, rubbed her belly and whispered "are you expecting?"

I honestly said "expecting what?" (um, please take note that my fingernails are painted GREEN and I'm not wearing a wedding band. do I LOOK like I'm ready for a baby?! vom.)

Then, realizing what she meant... "THAT IS AN AWFUL THING TO SAY! NO!"

She, recovering said, "Oh, well, you just have a glow!"

Yeah, its called embarrassment for you just calling me out on being fat. Yeah, my cheeks are glowing now alright!

Then, she said "I just had to ask." Not once, but three times.

Um, NO YOU DID NOT. That is NEVER an appropriate thing to ask.

I had anorexia for dinner last night with a side of 2 hours at the gym after that incident. Crap.

Then, as I walked in this morning with my skinny latte, I spilled approximately $2 worth of said drink all over my new white shirt.

Being the brilliant person that I am, I turned the shirt backwards. I kinda like the higher neckline. Not gonna lie. But then I spilled lunch on that side of the shirt. Crap.

And also, coffee smells much better in the cup than it does all over your back all day.

Please let this week get better.

never take it seriously...

2010-04-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

remember this line from Almost Famous?

"I always tell the girls never take it seriously.

If you never take it seriously then you never get hurt.

If you never get hurt then you always have fun...

and if you ever get lonely you can just go to the record store and visit your friends..."

-penny lane-

so true. I try so hard to guard my heart, but to no avail.

Remember Splitzskies? Remember how much he got on my nerves? Well, he redeemed himself. (I know, you guys knew he would.) But I didn't see it coming. He kissed me the other night and seriously, as corny as this sounds, there were fireworks. That's never happened with him before. I tried to hard to fight it. And then I gave in to thinking I could fall for him. I can't believe myself.

But, of course, he's moving 12 hours away. Like, he's moving now. He's gone. Go figure.

I think I tried to fight it because I always knew he'd probably be gone (not to mention the entire reason he came about being called "Splitzskies" to begin with!), but maybe that's the reason I decided to fall?

I'm such a dumb girl.

i have bad handwriting...

2010-04-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

yesterday my boss got mad at me because I have bad handwriting. I wish that was a joke. It's been one of those weeks, already. I need a happy list, pronto.

1- being able to do a yoga move last night that even my yoga teacher couldn't do. it made me feel really good about myself!

2- coming back to my office, after being in another town for two weeks, and noticing I have a totally new view-- the pink flowers and green trees are beautiful!

3- checking things off my "to do" list. (sometimes I write things on there I've already done just to check it off- it makes me feel productive!)

4- leaving work early to go for a boat ride in the unseasonably warm weather and realizing that the landscape from the water isn't what it normally would look like when it's this warm outside!

5- sloe. gin. fizz. google it. it will rock your world.

6- peanut butter m&ms. I always thought I was a peanut m&m girl, but lately, I'm changing my allegiances...

7- blog-hopping. since I have so much free time and all lately (haha yeah right)- but its a really fun distraction sometimes!

8- of course, the return of GLEE! And how amazing were Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele back together again? yes, I'm a nerd.

9- headbands. now that tights are over, I'm embracing my headbands again. love them.

10- as if you haven't already noticed, my ShakeItPhoto App on my iPhone. seriously, download it. a little obsessed here!

a few more easter cuties...

2010-04-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

yeah so it's a week late, whatever. i've had the most insane non-full-moon week alive.

but how cute are these easter classics?

*more photos from the ShakeItPhoto app on my awesome iPhone

on mooching...

2010-04-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

How do you define "mooch"?

Is it someone who accepts when you buy her drinks? Is that a mooch? Seriously?

Splitzskies called me a "mooch." Said I let him and other guys buy me drinks.

Well, that's what boys do. Boys buy girls drinks.

Right?

I can't decide if I'm offended by him calling me that?

I had a friend tell me that you "can't be a mooch unless you smooch."

Maybe that's the problem.

*by the way i totally want to be blair waldorf- not so much for chuck (i'd rather have nate, thanks)- mostly for the headbands*

But let's be honest here. Accepting a few drinks is the least of the mooching I've done lately.

I mean, remember the month of December when I had two plane tickets bought for me in one month by two different guys?

That might qualify under "mooch."

Maybe I should apologize for accepting? I just thought guys liked to "take care" of girls? I feel like its a fine line-- if I buy everything for myself, I'm a crazy femmenazi (I have no idea how that's spelled?). If I let him buy me everything, I'm a mooch.

My mom told me you're only allowed to mooch if he's your boyfriend. I don't think I like that advice.

But what's the answer?

eat chocolate...

2010-04-08T09:46:00.001-07:00

i'm listening to harry potter on tape now, and i'm right at this part in the 3rd book-- i LOVE that chocolate makes everything better!

funny of the day...

2010-04-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

had to share this text:

"totally just had a motion introduced to refrain from using the names "pocket rocket, crystal rabbit, and clone-a-Willie" during trial. baahhahaha. they want to use the phrase "lingerie items" instead."

* no picture necessary

easter eggs...

2010-04-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

how pretty are these easter eggs?

i know it's not easter anymore, but they still make me happy.

* photos via the ShakeItPhoto App on my iPhone

way to go...

2010-04-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to report...

Splitzskies made me dinner.

And then confessed he has a thing for me.

And then, when I spent the night, I woke up to find him on the couch the next morning.

Apparently I attacked him in my sleep.

Way to go, subconscious. Way to go.

another snippet...

2010-04-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

boy: you should go out tonight and then come over later

girl: no. i'll drink too much and won't be able to drive home. and I'm not staying at your house because you "don't like to be touched" while you sleep.

boy: ...oh yeah...

*another photo via ShakeIt app on my iPhone

so sad...

2010-04-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

April 1 was Fred and George's birthday...

This makes me want to cry!

a thought...

2010-03-31T14:01:00.000-07:00

a snippet...

2010-03-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

a convo, via text message:

boy: so, what are you doing with your afternoon off?

girl: about to finish the internet...

boy: since you have time on your hands, talk dirty to me. no time like the present.

girl: I'm sure you're being busy and important now though...

boy: not really, I'm bored, so talk dirty to me.

girl: no

boy: but it's your turn!

girl: it's always my turn.

boy: because you'll never do it

girl: true. you do it instead.

boy: nope.

girl: boo, you whore.

boy: there you go! keep going!

girl: keep quoting Mean Girls?

boy: never seen it.

girl: but you've seen every movie.

boy: I have, except crap like Mean Girls.

girl: Please, you Netflixed the Ugly Truth.

*photo via my iPhone app ShakeItPhoto

hmmm...

2010-03-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

What's worse?

...kissing two boys in one night...

...kissing two brothers in one week?

.... just curious...

I say neither!

*photo via my iPhone app ShakeItPhoto

my first kiss...

2010-03-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

Apparently I've always been a boyfriend-stealer. I thought it was some new thing, but no. I think it's just me.

Dangit.

It started with my very first kiss. It was in middle school, which, let's be honest, isn't known for being a time where kids are nice to each other. But I guess I was pretty bad.

My best friend at the time (and still one of my besties!) had a huge crush on this guy. She talked about him all summer long and I knew him because we'd been in a summer camp together. We went to different schools than this boy, which made him even cuter! I agreed he was cute and let her go on and on about how much she loved him.

Remember when we used to talk on the phone for hours? Isn't that weird? Now we just text each other and hardly hear a human voice... Well, we talked about this boy for hours a day. It was great! She was in a summer program with him that summer and got to see him almost every day. I was totally jealous of her good fortune!

Finally, her summer camp had an end-of-the year party. She invited me to go. I went. It was a pool party, I mean, it was totally amazing!

And when I was there, that boy kissed me. Not her. ME! In the pool!

And oh my gahh, it was the worst kiss ever! I remember thinking ...is this really kissing? Cause it kinda sucks... There's gotta be more to this...

It wasn't sweet or romantic or anything like books and tv told me it would be!

We both closed our eyes too soon and sorta missed each other's mouths. It was wet and sloppy and I don't even think tongue was involved. It was pretty awful though.

And of course, my bff saw it.

I mean he was cute, but the kiss was awful. Was this worth losing my best friend for?!

It was a very dramatic summer after that. We fought like sisters, but in the end, I think we made up alright? (I hope so at least!)

Hmm... it's probably bad that I'm starting to see a pattern in my behavior...

always the dumpee...

2010-03-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said that One Eye broke up with me? You know, the guy I dated who currently resides in the detention center? Yeah. I've always been the dumpee.

Except for once...

It was in high school and probably the one guy I shouldn't have dumped (which is probably why I'm scared to dump them now-- what if its a mistake?!). We were so cute. And golly gee, was I young and innocent! It took him ages to even kiss me! But we were precious. Mary and Joseph in the church Christmas pageant. That kind of cute. (Which is why I had to end it, of course.)

I dumped him. Via AOL Instant Messenger. Remember those days? When we played on IM all day?

I remember my mother was furious with me! Couldn't believe she'd raised me to dump someone online! Why couldn't I have done it in person? Or on the phone at least? Well, cause I was a fraidy cat, obviously mom.

To make matters worse, our parents were really good friends. His dad is, to this day, my dentist. It was pretty traumatic for a "tween" (a term that, of course, hadn't been coined yet. Yes I am that old.).

But of course, he, like most of my exes, is married now.

I tend to have that effect on guys. Date me, break up with me, and I promise you, the next girl you date, you'll marry.

what can ya do...

2010-03-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

The other night, I dreamed my dad cheated on my mom. Of course, this dream, much like the one where I realize I'm pregnant and have no idea how it happened and how will I ever tell my grandfather?!, happens far too often in my catastrophizing mind. But this one was particularly humorous.

My dad was cheating on my mom....

.... with Marilyn Monroe. (And it was the Marilyn Monroe in the white dress and everything!)

I told my mom about this later (in real life) and she said, "meh, what can you do?"

"That's exactly what you said in my dream!"

I'm guessing Jackie Kennedy said the same thing?

sunshine...

2010-03-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

Sunshine reminds me of...

warm days on the boat

eating crepes outside for brunch while re-living stories from the night before

baseball games

watching my dog wallow in freshly mowed grass and having grass bits stick to him for the rest of the day

the smell of sunscreen and tanning oil and a sticky mess of sand on your legs

linen pants, white dresses and seersucker suits

washing my car over and over again just to be outside

being 14 years old and laying out in the driveway with my best friend to try and get a suntan

rooftop bars and exciting summer cocktails

watching the ceiling fan spin around and around and around, desperately pleading with the hot air to please cool down

homemade peach ice cream

sleeping on cold, crisp sheets

bargaining with the dogwood trees and azaleas to please keep their blooms for longer and in return, i promise i'll quit sneezing

strawberries, peaches, cantaloupes and watermelon

...thanks for coming to visit, sunshine. i've missed you.

my word is...

2010-03-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I'm the last one out here to read "Eat Pray Love." In fact, I asked my hairdresser if he had read it and he said "Yeah, um, like 3 years ago." (I'm so behind.)

Nonetheless, I'm in love with it. And I'm not so much reading it as I am listening to it. Which is sort of awesome. It's my first real experience with a book on tape (er, cd?) and I am really digging it. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author, reads it and even does voices (which, I love-- if you were lucky enough to know me when I was a child, you know how much I enjoy "voices"-- my brother wasn't allowed to play Barbies with me because he didn't "do the voices right.") for the characters.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is trying to figure herself out. Not that I've figured myself out, but it's given me a lot to think about. And I'm not quite finished yet!

One part of the book (the "eat" part), we find our heroine in Rome, where it is described to her that the "word" of the city of Rome is sex. And then it goes on to list the words of other towns, other people, etc. She thinks her word might be "seek," but then changes it later in the book to a sanskrit word. She says her family is a combination of "frugal" and "irreverent" and continues to describe others...

Which of course got me thinking... what's my word? Not to cheat off of this amazingly beautiful writer, but I'm sort of leaning towards "seek" right now myself. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, nor do I know who I want to spend it with.

Heck, I'm having commitment issues with picking a city to set up roots in!

So, for now, I'm cheating. I'm going to be "seek."

Better ideas, anyone?

in honor of St. Patrick...

2010-03-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

Everybody seen the Leprechaun say "yeahhh!"

Give me the gold! I want the gold!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, guys! Hope you're wearing green!

spud...

2010-03-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

I can't not tell you about Spud anymore. That's not his real name, of course, but it's close. It's instead the nickname my friend's husband has given him, which I really love.

Spud. Oh, where do I even begin? First of all, and this isn't a lie, Spud is a Corrections Officer at the county jail. Remember a few weeks ago when I was listing all the boys with money I've dated? Yeah, Spud didn't make that list. Oh and also- he doesn't look like Mr. Potato Head. I promise.

Now, I've been to college and graduate school, but I understand that that isn't the path that everyone takes. However, there is a difference between being educated and being intelligent. Spud, unfortunately (and as much as I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt) did not fall into either category.

Spud took me on perhaps the worst date of my life. He came and picked me up from work. To take me to lunch. He drove me to another town for lunch. ("oh gah, I'm totally not going to be back in an hour", I'm thinking as he's driving his gigantic truck down a two-lane highway to God-knows-where). Another thought that crossed my mind "he works with criminals- he knows how to dispose of a body."

Now, don't lose all faith in me here. Spud's actually not bad looking. And I had just moved to a new town. And I worked with his dad. So I thought I should be nice and reward him for his good taste (it had been made very clear to me that he, well, fancied me).

So, Spud and I arrive at a plain ol' Mexican restaurant. One he could've very easily taken me to right in town. Well, at least no one saw me? He eats barely anything while I scarf down my taco salad with beef that in no way shape or form resembles a salad of any sort. I can talk to a wall-- in fact, I probably have before-- but this was killing me. And it wouldn't end! There was no way to end it! He drove me there, to another town, and I had no escape!

Finally, I played the "I really need to get back to work card." So he drove me back to work. And SAT IN MY OFFICE until it was time to go. This really was the date that wouldn't end! Thankfully, I had plans that night or I'm sure he would've followed me.

He asked me out again the next night- this time for dinner. I thought I could give him one more chance- maybe I was being too mean.

I wasn't.

It was honestly the most painful thing I've ever experienced. And I've been on a few dates in my time. But this one was bad. But at least he paid?

He ran into me one night a few weeks later. Falling down drunk. In fact, he spilled his entire beer on my sister. I left. He called me probably a million times after that, trying to make plans. I wasn't mean. I told him I wasn't ready to date right then. Which was true. Right then. But he didn't give up.

Once, around Christmas, I came into my office to find he'd given me a Christmas present. Just left it on my desk, no card, nothing. Luckily the secretary told me he'd dropped something off. Oh, by the way, it was a box of chocolates. (of course it was.)

And not so very long ago, he invited me to a concert. Out of town. Yeah, I'd be about as likely to do that as I would hike a mountain just for fun (read: not at all).

I still work with his dad. It's still awkward...

I'm not sure how to end this post...

too much information...

2010-03-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

Fair warning to y'all, my devoted three readers out there, this might be too much for you to handle. I contemplated sanitizing it to make it more blog-able, but it takes far too much of the extreme hilarity out of the story to clean it up.

So, earmuffs little ones.

And for those of you who are weak in the stomach or just don't want to read about this smuttiness... well, you probably shouldn't be on this blog anyway. Go watch Little House on the Prairie instead.

Oops, I did it again. Yes, Britney Spears was in the running for a title for this post, but that's really not the point of this story. Yes, I'm talking about other people's boyfriends (I'm thinking of calling them OPP in homage to Naughty By Nature...). Anyway, this was a long time coming and really, I couldn't care less about the skank who he's "in a relationship" with on facebook. Honestly, it means nothing to me. The guy has been all over me for years and I've resisted temptation. But I finally gave in. And boy did I.

I initiated it. I went over to his house. But that's where I stop. Now, it's his turn. And here's where the TMI comes into play...

...young ones, earmuffs...

So, we were fooling around and... he BIT me. DOWN THERE. I didn't really realize what was going on, but I knew it hurt. Later, he told me I should've just told him Aunt Flo was in town. I told him Aunt Flo was NOT in town and got really freaked out. No, it wasn't Mother Nature paying her monthly visit. He straight up Jasper Cullen'ed me. BIT ME. Like a vampire. I got freaked out (and for some reason, embarrassed), grabbed my stuff, and ran out the door. Of course, halfway down the street, I realized I forgot some of my stuff and had to call him to go back and get it (gah, I thought I was getting good at my escapes!).

In the meantime, I'm an out-of-town guest supposedly staying with a friend that night. I cannot get a hold of this friend for the life of me. So, when I get back to Jasper Cullen's lair, I have to admit to him that I have no place else to go that night. He says, like it's absolutely no big deal and isn't he so nice for suggesting this, "oh, no problem! My roommate's out of town. You can stay in his room."

I'm sorry. I understand you have a girlfriend, but you draw the line at letting me sleep in your bed and NOT at biting me down there?!

So, I call up another friend and cry my eyes out. Yes, it's 3am. No, I shouldn't have been driving. But yes, I drove to her house and slept on her couch that night.

I sent Jasper Cullen a text, telling him I was embarrassed and that I was out of there (um, also the room he put me in had a creepy deer head staring down at me-- like it knew.).

Of course, he never responded.

Sorry if I've sufficiently grossed everyone out. I just couldn't keep this one to myself.

those 3 scary words...

2010-03-11T14:09:00.000-08:00

I finally saw Dear John last night. I knew I needed a good cry and sure enough, I was sobbing only minutes into the film. My sister thought I was nuts.

Her: "Are you crying already?"

Me: " yes."

Her: "Why?!"

Me: "Because I know what's going to happen."

After all, if Nicholas Sparks is anything, it's a serial killer.

It reminded me of the time in high school when I went to see Titanic. My best friend's mom came with us and she was sobbing during the opening credits.

She said: "I just know they're all going to DIE!"

Sometimes a good cry helps. But Nicholas Sparks ~~sometimes~~ always leaves me feeling worse instead of better. Why don't I ever get to date a John or a Noah? Why aren't real guys built like Channing Tatum (Tatum Channing? Tanning Chatum? I can't ever remember.)? Why don't real guys write "I love you" on a gas bill?

I have something to admit.

I've never said it.

Never.

Sure, I've felt it. (Isn't that obvious from my last post?)

But for some reason, I can't say it.

I put too much pressure on it and it makes me an overbearing nightmare. Of course I want him to say it first. I'm terrified of being vulnerable!

And I always told myself I'd never say it until I was sure he was the one I'd be with forever.

Um, waaaay too much pressure.

But as someone so wisely told me, what's the difference between feeling it and saying it? Even if my future husband is the first one I say it to, that doesn't mean he's the first one I ever loved.

So, even though I've never said it, I have loved.

But have I been loved back?

it hurts so bad sometimes...

2010-03-10T14:28:00.000-08:00

I found out he was cheating on me because I read his email and checked his voicemail.

I got suspicious because he was coming over after dinner, just like he did every night, but he never showed up. Only, I didn't think he was cheating. I thought he was dead. Catastrophizing? Apparently. So when I showed up at his house, I wasn't being a crazy girl. I was being thoughtful. Checking up on him. (In my mind.) Only, I found another girl's car in my parking spot. And the bumper stickers on her car struck a chord with a certain girl who'd been sending him emails lately... who he NEVER talked about to me...

I probably shouldn't have added her on facebook. It confirmed everything I ever thought. I probably shouldn't have continued to change my profile picture every hour that day to a picture of my boyfriend and me, happy and having the time of our lives-- without her. But I did.

He called me that night to say he wanted to "talk." I made him come over. I knew what he wanted to talk about. He wanted a break. What the hell is a break anyway?

I've never hurt like that before.

I couldn't sleep. My dozing off turned into super-realistic dreams about him that made things hurt even worse.

I couldn't eat. I've never been so skinny in my life, but I didn't care. I didn't want to go flaunt my hot new bod. I wanted to crawl in my bed and not come out. Ever.

I didn't go to class for weeks. I didn't return my friends phone calls. I told everyone I had the flu and sadly, they believed me.

No one checked up on me. I sank even deeper.

Finally, the pills started to kick in. I went back to school. I was able to be around people. I still didn't have much of an appetite, but when I was in a social situation and my mind was off of him, I could eat a little.

My friends started telling me how great I looked. Still, no one knew. I would excuse myself to go sit in the bathroom stall and cry. My dreams weren't much better than reality.

I still hurt every day. I guess time helps. But I still talk to him. And maybe that's what hurts the worst.

just saying...

2010-03-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

just thought everyone needed to see this....

... can I take my own advice?

i love lamp...

2010-03-09T14:26:00.000-08:00

I was spending some time with a friend and a bottle of red wine the other night (hmm, red wine seems to be the theme of my life lately, doesn't it?) and he said the most random thing-- that was right up my alley.

"I love tv."

Oh, if he only knew about my love letters! And how I write them to my DVR! I agreed with him and then made the snarky Anchorman remark "well, I love lamp" and we went on an on from there. But it reminded me that I hadn't written love letters on here in a while and I always need to remind myself that I do love life.

Dear Gossip Girl,
Thank you for coming back to me! Your "holiday" vacation was far too long. I missed you.

Dear Gawker.com,

You have made me so unproductive at work this week because of your Oscar buzz. But you're my favorite of all the trashy gossip websites I read.

Dear SEVENTIES,
Thank you for gracing us with your presence this week! What a relief to go straight from snow one week to this beautiful sunshine the next! I can feel myself relaxing with every breath of warm fresh air I inhale.

Dear sweet 13-year-old black lab,

Your grey beard is hilarious. I'm pretty sure you'll be an all-grey lab pretty soon. Thank you for loving on me when I come home. Unconditionally.

Dear Red Wine,
Thanks for being such a good friend lately. But I'm thinking you may play far too important a role in my life lately. I love you, but it might be time for a break. White wine perhaps?

Dear Golf Clubs,

I promise you'll get used soon if this weather keeps up! I apologize now if I'll be mean and throw you when I don't play well.

Dear novels with either a pink cover or a shoe on the cover,
You are such a relief from using my brain all day. I'm sorry I'm not reading classics right now (even though if anyone asks- like in a job interview- I totally am reading Gone with the Wind), but you-- and a nice bubble bath-- make the perfect end to an awful day.

Dear dark roots in my hair,

I do not love you. But never fear, I'm taking care of you on Saturday. You'll have the gross darkness bleached out of you soon and we'll be in love again.

Dear kate spade,
Thank you for having sales. My purse needed to be updated.

And with that, I'm off to play in my yoga class (which I'll surely regret later!).

the ONE who got away...

2010-03-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

The Oscars were great, weren't they? And as for my favorite dress, I LOVED Sandra Bullock's dress. I understand that the critics hated it, but I thought it was so elegant and she pulled it off so well. Her red lips and straight, simple hair were perfect offsets to this gorgeous dress. I'm sad to admit that I fell asleep before she won her Best Actress Award (here's something I should admit: I have a problem. If my head is on a pillow and a blanket is on top of me, it is only a matter of moments before I drift into the land of Nod. It's awful. I can't read a book for very long and I struggle to make it through movies-- but only if I watch them at home. I'm fine in a theatre, I promise!). I know I made it through Jeff Bridges winning, but I was off in the lullaby league sometime before Sandra made her speech-- though I hear it was phenomenal.

Side note: I did make my sangria. That may have contributed to my passing out--er, falling asleep-- so early... maybe.

During the Oscars, they did a montage for horror movies. Apparently a horror movie hasn't won a Best Picture since Silence of the Lambs in 1991 and they felt like they needed to honor this genre. For some reason, this got me thinking about the horror stories of my life... of course, my dating life. As far as horror stories go, I am prepared to declare a winner.

And the award goes to...

My very first high school boyfriend (I think?). This was perhaps the most rebellious I have ever been in my life. I stick by this point even now. The guy lived on the (very) wrong side of town, and I'm confident either one or both of his parents were either in jail then or had been in the past (and I'm sure have been since). His car often broke down and it made me swoon to see him with grease on his hands from fixing it. (Yes, I'm quite changed now.) Of course, I only knew and loved him because he was in all of my classes. Classes my mother had gone to great lengths to make sure were honors classes so that I would be sufficiently challenged and more likely, to protect me from people like "that." Ha- I showed her!

My parents couldn't stand him. Especially after the night my dad swears he caught the boyfriend on my home land line (this was before the day of cell phones) making a drug deal. He threatened to call the police, but I cried and cried and begged him not to. I won (as I usually did--and still do). But we dated for less than a month because this boyfriend said he was breaking up my relationship with my parents. Yes, he broke up with me.

A few years later, I got a phone call from a friend. This boyfriend is now in jail. For second degree lynching. Yes, that's a crime. Even better, while he was in jail, he apparently got in a fight with a guy who is much bigger than him. And during this fight-- got his eye stabbed out with a fork. Yes, this is all true.

He now goes by "One Eye" when I talk about my horror story past. (I know this picture isn't an accurate description, but how hilarious is this?!)

By the way, he was also the one who would "leave" his wallet in his "other pants" when we went on dates.

Also, he's still in jail. I just looked it up. Guess what for? Selling drugs.

the best party of the year...

2010-03-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

Oh, Oscar. I love you so. You are the female equivalent to a Super Bowl victory and the show you put on is breathtaking. If only I could have my annual Oscars party this year and serve up some amazing homemade guacamole and sangria, I'd feel even better about you. I guess champagne and my sisters will suffice!

This weekend will be fantastic, I have no doubt. Baseball season awaits with temperatures in the 60's. Oscars and my favorite party of the year, the Oscar watching party of course, will be here on Sunday. And then I'll spend all day on Monday trying to decide which dress I loved the most and which dress designers should have been fired. (or whatever it is that Heidi Klum says...)

So, in anticipation of a fantastic weekend approaching, here are a few of my favorite things:

1- watching my dog run in his sleep! (It's hilarious-- well, once you realize he's not having a seizure, that is!)

2- the SUN (I've missed you!)

3- having an excuse to drink champagne on a Sunday night (thanks Oscar!)

4- baseball season- but not so much for the baseball game itself. more for the tight pants, warm weather and thirsty thursdays!

5- musical theatre. I sometimes forget how much I love it. (Am I really a gay man?)

6- my DVR. golly, it's sure saved me from missing out on a lot lately!

7- the first flowers of spring (I can see a few from my office window and that makes me smile!)

8- even though I'm sad the Olympics are over, I'm glad to be finished with reruns of the shows that make me laugh.

9- cowboy boots. another old love, rediscovered.

10- playing with my sisters (like I'll be doing this weekend!)

Yay! Have a wonderful, sunny weekend-- and enjoy that champagne and Oscar-filled Sunday!

the "stomach virus"...

2010-03-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time...
... there was this guy in college with me who I was obsessed with. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure why. But he was cute, we had a lot in common and we spent a lot of time together. I could never figure out why he wouldn't ask me out... We hung out for probably 2 years, just as friends, without him ever making a single move on me. I was befuddled. I mean, we had every class together and even worked together. He picked me up for class (in his car that I loved almost as much as I loved him) and we spent a LOT of time together. He was my date to many a sorority event and had met my parents. Why couldn't I tell people that yes, we were in fact dating, when they asked me about the two of us?

He would do strange things sometimes, though. Like tell me he was going to the Bahamas for the weekend... alone. Or Vegas. Etc. We were students, where was he getting this money from? And why would he want to take these trips alone? It never crossed my mind. But yes, you're right. He had a girlfriend. And he kept her a secret because she was a LOT older than him. To this day, I'm convinced she was married and took him on these extravagant vacations when she needed a break from her husband and kids. I don't know, that's probably not true. But it made sense to me.

Finally, we graduated and moved to separate places. After being out of the same state (much less the same classes and jobs), we grew a little more out of touch. Then, I moved back. We got back in touch, of course.

In the meantime, I'm seeing someone. I'd been seeing him for a few months, but just every now and then. I knew he wasn't right, but he was cute and he was entertaining, so I kept him around for a while. I had a black-tie event coming up and I asked this guy I was seeing if he'd go with me. At the very last minute, he canceled. I was devastated. So, I called my college buddy up (who I'd been talking with pretty frequently by this point) and he was going to rescue me and be my date.

When we got to the party, he was drunk. He continued drinking the whole time. I think he was nervous to be around me after all he'd put me through in college. I wasn't nearly as upset and I couldn't drink because I had a funeral to go to the next morning. So I babysat him.

After the party ended, the guy I'd been seeing called me. He was sorry he didn't come to the party and could he come over and talk about it? Of course I said yes. By this time, college guy is passed out, on top of my bed. The guy I was seeing picked him up and moved him to my couch-- without him ever waking up.

The next morning, I had to be up pretty early. I woke everyone up and told them I was leaving and to please let themselves out.

The guy I was seeing left. I never heard from him again. Oh well.

Later that day I got a text from my college friend. He was still at my house, sick as a dog. He thought he'd come down with a "stomach virus" (read: hangover.) and could he just hang out at my house all day? Um, no. I told him he needed to leave and that he should be gone by the time I got home.

When I got home, he was gone. And my comforter and sheets were curled up in a ball on my floor-- with all manner of bodily fluid on them. I have refused to talk to him ever since.

Last week, I got a facebook message from him. He said "I thought of you the other day when I was home sick with a stomach virus!"

What an idiot. I'm so much better off now that I've gotten over that obsession-- but what a way to cure it!

ode to marilyn...

2010-03-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

I've been watching the 31 days of Oscar on TCM a lot lately. I'm trying to DVR every Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn movie that comes on. Also Katharine Hepburn. She's great, isn't she? But in the midst of watching these, I'm realizing these ladies were wise.

Yep. Marilyn Monroe had it figured out. Well, aside from her untimely death at such a young age. Maybe I just like the characters she played in the movies... Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, How to Marry a Millionaire, Some Like it Hot... I mean, golly, I'm pretty sure I love her.

So, I think I'm gonna listen to her advice on men now. She was the queen of great men, right? I mean, she did score a Kennedy (sorta)! So, along those lines, here's the advice Marilyn so wisely gave in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes:

find a gentleman who's shy or bold,
or short or tall, or young or old...
as long as the guys a millionaire!

I'm going to keep this in mind. Actually, I think I do keep this in mind already without realizing it. One of my friends told me she wasn't worried about me... just a sampling of my repertoire: orthopaedic surgeon, lawyer (oh, lots of lawyers...), commercial real estate developer, owner of the company that repairs gas station pumps, sales, and, did I mention lawyer? I should mention it again. Lawyer. Lawyer.

Something tells me I should venture into the creative industry... maybe an artist? A poet? Nope. Marilyn wouldn't like it. Marilyn, Audrey and Katharine were wiser than we are now. I'm going to start following their lead...

mea culpa...

2010-03-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, I had a problem. It was called "other people's boyfriends." (by the way, I've been arguing with folks over that period right there-- it goes inside the quotation mark, always, right? I'm right. I know I am. I think I win this one. Anyway...)

I think I'm over it now. I think.

As far as I can remember, it all started accidentally. And it makes me sound awful. Horrible. I guess I was. Am?

My roommate (and sorority sister) had this boyfriend. We all got along well with him-- he was a lot of fun. I didn't think anything else much about him. He was her boyfriend and that was that. Well, one night, we got into the vodka. I'm pretty sure I was drinking it without mixers (vodka straight!), which of course made us all act in inappropriate ways... but in vino veritas, right? I don't remember much. But I do remember my roommate (and sorority sister)'s boyfriend taking me into another room and kissing me. I may have enjoyed it for a second... maybe... before I realized this was bad. Very bad. I told her what happened. It caused a lot of drama. But I'm glad I did. Turns out, he was a lying, cheating scumbag who had done that with a lot of other girls but none of the rest of them had the guts to tell his girlfriend. I didn't mean to do it, but it turned out to be the best thing for her. (I hope.)

The next time it happened, it was more my fault. I moved out of town, out of state actually, and I knew no one. Not a soul. The girl I was living with knew lots of people. I didn't know her very well. Didn't know her at all before I moved there. This is my rationale... We went out one night and I met a cute boy. She told me to stay away, that he was her friend's boyfriend and that the friend was out of the country studying abroad that semester. I didn't care. At all. I not only made out with him at that party, I brought him back to the apartment I shared with his girlfriend's best friend. That probably didn't make me look so good.

It's probably happened since then and I haven't known it. But the most recent time that it happened blew my mind. I'd been seeing this guy for a while. I had known him for YEARS. He had a reputation for being a cheater and I knew he'd been with a girl (who happened to have the same name as me... convenient...) for a while, but I just assumed that they hung out like we did. Casually and not exclusively. We had a ton of fun together and I figured she knew he liked lots of girls and that since they lived 3 hours away from each other, there was no way they were exclusive. A few nights ago, he told me his girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with him. Because she was mad that he wasn't ready to get married. It was quite serious. She never knew about me. I can't decide if I should feel guilty...

So, mea culpa... my bad. Sorry to all the girls out there I've done this to. On purpose or not. I know how it feels to be cheated on. It hurts. I hope I haven't made anyone out there feel like I felt when I got cheated on. Nothing has ever hurt me that bad in my life. And I can't believe I'd make someone else feel that way.

I'm so sorry.

dealbreaker!

2010-02-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

Okay so I know I just talked about my Liz Lemon obsession, but it needs to continue. She's probably the smartest person I know. (I know she's a fictional character--- shhh--- sometimes I pretend we're best friends!) So, my BFF Liz Lemon's book is called "Dealbreakers." For example, if your man is over 30 and still wears a nametag to work-- that's a dealbreaker! I totally agree. So, I've been thinking about my own dealbreakers... and I thought of a good one.

If the guy you're seeing tries to get in your little sister's pants.... that's a dealbreaker!

Right?

Let's say I have a friend. And she's dating this guy who happens to be 12 years older than her. Well, dating would be a strong word. But, hanging-out-with, at least.

Anyway, let's say this friend decides to introduce this older man to her sisters. And let's say her youngest sister is half of this older man's age. Now, let's pretend this older man adds said younger sister as a friend on facebook. Then, he starts sending her messages. Slightly creepy, but nothing to worry about. Right? Well maybe. So, let's say this friend tells this guy she's seeing (jokingly!) that he better stay out of her younger sister's pants. And, then, older man decides to send younger sister a message that says "the more someone tells me not to do something, the more I want to do it."

Eww.

Dealbreaker!

Right?

But what if older man is hot, rich and totally fun? Does that matter?

I'm thinking no... I guess I should tell that to my friend...

love letters...

2010-02-22T17:47:00.000-08:00

As Charlie Brown once said, "There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters... I could be their leader."

Too true, Charlie Brown. Too true.

So, even though I'm not GETTING any love letters, I think I'll write a few.

Dear Sunshine,
It's been so nice to see you lately! I can't wait for you to stay longer and be warmer.

Dear Hotel Room Beds,

Why are you so comfortable, but still won't let me sleep as well as I would if I were in my bed at home?

Dear Alarm Clock in my Hotel Room,
You are no fun. You turn on way too early. Also, you scare me when I can't see the time on you and I think it's morning and it's really only 1:52am and then I can't go back to sleep because I can't stop watching you.

Dear Pens with Grippers,

Thank you for making my fingers feel better when I write with you for 6 hours straight. You're a lifesaver.

Dear Starbucks,
I love you. Probably too much. We might have to break up soon.

Dear Pretty Daffodils in my Room,

Thank you for reminding me that spring is FINALLY on its way!

Dear Dove Dark Chocolates with Almonds,
I love you too. I can't decide if I love you more than Starbucks or not, but it's close. I especially love the message on my last piece that said "be still, breathe, and know that you are fine."

Dear iPhone,

After not seeing you all day, I forgot how much you mean to me. It might be unhealthy. I missed you. I love you.

Dear Big Bang Theory,
Sheldon, you make me laugh. I need to laugh. I love you too.

Okay yeah, I could go on all night... I'm full of love right now I suppose... maybe I should send Charlie Brown a love letter while I'm at it...

a few of my recent texts...

2010-02-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

"Happy Belated Valentine's Day... I lost my phone yesterday..." - From the only one I wanted to hear from on Valentine's Day.

"She said yes! I'm getting married!" -From my best guy friend. Usually engagements make me depressed, but I'm super happy for him.

"Mean Girls is on. Does that make you happy?" -From a friend of a friend, who I have never actually met. SO random.

"I'm a total slut for head scratches." -From my sister. She's wise.

"If you can't wear skinny jeans, forget it!" -From one of the most fashionable people I know, on whether or not black jeans on girls are appropriate.

"Anything xciting goin on" -From a great friend of mine, who shortens EVERY text. AGHH!

"haha! I totaled my car today." -From a sorority sister who responded to the TFLN I sent her before telling me of her near-death experience that day.

"She calls it single's awareness day. If I called her my valentine, the only thing red she'd give me would come from her stabbing me with a fork." -From one of my favorite people in this world, on his new girlfriend's thoughts on Valentine's Day.

"Will 'my word is my bond' hold up in court?" -From my brother. He's clearly thinking ahead.

And, to top it all off:

"So, did you want to go out this week? Maybe we can do happy hour?" - From the one, the only, SPLITZSKIES!

happy anna howard shaw day!

2010-02-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

What a Liz Lemon thing to say. I'm so jealous of how witty Liz Lemon is. Anna Howard Shaw?! Really, Liz Lemon? Anna Howard Shaw was one of the very first feminists. Instead of celebrating being a happily married woman, as most people my age would be doing, I am embracing the Liz Lemon method. Celebrating the life of a suffragette! How very fitting.

Regardless, Valentine's Day (if not called Anna Howard Shaw Day, can also be referred to as VD... I like it...!) will be here this weekend. Hopefully we'll all be too snowed in and drunk off of all the cheap red wine left in the grocery store to notice we're alone, but if not, let's think about the people we COULD be with. Which brings me to.....

A few years ago, I lived in another city. I had just moved there and was "interning" with a friend- which basically meant I had a place to get up and go to every day and access to a fax machine to continue applying for real, paying jobs. Finally, after a month of being job-less, I was offered exactly the job I wanted! Hooray! Fresh out of college and so far above and beyond all of my peers... or so I thought... looking back now, I'm not so sure... One of the guys who worked in the building with me during my "internship" was so excited for me to have a "jobby job" (yeah, first sign he's a weirdo), he wanted to go out and celebrate with me. Whatever, I didn't care who I celebrated with and I was so new to the city, who was I to say no? So, Mr. Jobby Job picked me up in his brand new Lexus and out we went for tapas (don't even get me started on tapas-- what a tease...). Many a pitcher of sangria later, he asked if I wanted to see the view of the city from his roof deck. Ahhh, to be as young and naive as I was back then! I honestly thought that's what he wanted! I pretended not to notice that his button-down shirt was dark red and his tie was exactly the same color and that he spent much more time on his hair than I do... I just wanted to see the view! God, his shoes were awful, too. And, as we all know, Mr. Jobby Job decides to put the moves on me as soon as we get up to that roof deck. Me, being totally grossed out and terrified but having not a clue what to do when someone you are repulsed by the sight of now has his tongue down your throat, and Jobby Job, thrilled to be hanging out with a gorgeous (hey, it was years ago), young (yes, very young), innocent (I swear I really was innocent back then!) girl-- standing on the roof deck. Some time later, Jobby Job decides he needs to take a potty break. The thought ran through my head. I couldn't. Could I? OR COULD I?!

I did it.

I took off. I RAN down his hallway- taking the stairs and not the elevator- and still being new to the city, I had no idea how to find public transportation, so I continued running until I finally realized where I was and proceeded to walk the entire way home.

I ESCAPED! I called my best friend and told her what I did. I felt sorta bad about it, but was sorta proud of myself all at the same time. Jobby Job was then dubbed "Creepy Guy" in my cell phone so that I knew never to answer a call or text from him again. And text me he did. He kept telling me he could've driven me home and where did I go? I NEVER responded. Not EVER.

About this time last year I got a facebook request from someone who was vaguely familiar, but I had no idea who it was. A few days later I placed him. IT WAS JOBBY JOB/CREEPY GUY! I couldn't believe it. After I RAN away from him and never talked to him again, he STILL had the nerve to add me on facebook?! That's guts. Why is it that creepy, unattractive men are so persistent? I accepted his friendship (I'm not sure why) and he sent me a message. I can't even remember what it said. I never responded, of course. A few days later, I deleted him on facebook. Now that I've RUN away from him and DELETED him on facebook, you'd think he'd get the point? Maybe so. Haven't heard from him in a while, but I wouldn't put it past this one to give it another go!

So maybe this weekend is a celebration. I'm not having to spend my weekend with that creepster!

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day, guys!

i heart...

2010-02-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried in front of my boss. Do you ever have one of those days where you fantasize about the heel of your stiletto pump digging into the side of someone's head? Maybe it's just me...

Today, Starbucks has hearts on their cups. Crap, it's totally almost Valentine's Day. So, for now, I'm going to forget about stabbing someone with my shoe (I wore flats today, just in case) and try to think of things that make me really happy. I found this idea on another blog, so I won't take the credit for thinking it up, but here is my list of ten things that make me insanely, ridiculously happy (in absolutely no particular order):

1- Tights. It's like a hug, all day, on your legs!

2- The first sip of something cold (or hot) when you first wake up and you can feel it going all the way down. It's the little things...

3- Movie theatre popcorn. I refuse to listen to the people who tell me how bad it is for me. I don't care.

4- Christmas music-- and Christmas movies-- and the fact that Christmas Vacation was on tv last night, in FEBRUARY!

5- Old couples who hold hands and sit on the same side of the booth when they're the only people at the table. (This only works if they're really old-- it's really annoying if they're not-- hey, this is my list, I can say what I want!)

6- Mascara. I could put on mascara for hours. It's so addictive.

7- Bridget Jones. Seriously, if I think my life sucks, I just watch Bridget Jones. It's my go-to movie.

8- Writing thank-you notes. My dad said that's because it means I got something. I don't agree-- I just like to write thank you notes!

9- Being out on the water in the middle of an insanely hot summer.

10- Looking through my pictures of when I lived in Europe. Gah, I used to be so cool.

dream or nightmare?

2010-02-09T06:57:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed I lost my iPhone and my lip gloss. They were nowhere to be found. I can't begin to describe to you how frantic I was and how upset I felt, even if only in a dream! Clearly, these objects are far too important to me. Thing was, when I finally found them (thank goodness my dream allowed me to find them!), I immediately took my lip gloss and smeared it all over my entire face. And my phone had not a single missed call or text on it.

I think I need help.

little letters...

2010-02-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Cold Weather--
Would you please either snow or get warm?? I can't handle much more of this cold rain and neither can my hair. Thanks.

Dear 6-week-old baby I just played with--

Why do you make me so happy? I even like it when you cry because you're so darn cute! But I'm glad I can give you back to your mother when I want to be my usual selfish self and do things like drink too much on a weeknight.

Dear Yoga Class--
I love that you make me feel so good when I leave you. But I hate you the next day when I can't move. Why must we have this love/hate relationship? Why do I continue to let you torture me?!

Dear Splitzskies--

I do not want to go out with you! Please quit texting me! (Although when you do stop, I'll probably be sad I'm not at the forefront of your mind anymore...). And I am glad you at least have good taste!

Dear Brakes on my Car--
Why must you squeak so loudly only when I'm driving around downtown and people are outside and can hear you? You're making yourself look bad and making me look like a bad car owner. So, please stop. Thanks.

Dear Super Bowl--

I love you for your commercials, and mostly for Betty White. I don't love you for my headache today.

the story that started it all...

2010-02-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've been trying to work up the courage to write this one. Mostly because I think it's so hilarious and am a teeny bit afraid that others won't agree. I think I'm funny-- even if it's only in my own head. But this is the story I told my friends that made them beg for me to write things down. So...

I'll start with this. It was my New Year's Resolution to go on dates. Maybe it still is. I'm not sure. I haven't stuck with it since this happened, but I'm not ready to abandon it just yet. So when a friend I'd known for a few years and had casually hung out with a few times (and totally made out with, obviously) called to ask me to dinner for Restaurant Week, I happily agreed. Yes! My resolution wasn't for naught! People wanted to take me out! I'm likeable! I clearly got carried away. First sign it WASN'T a date: we met at the restaurant. He didn't pick me up, or even offer to, for that matter. But, hey, I live out of town right now and it was easier, so I didn't think anything about it. First sign it WAS a date: he'd made reservations! And the reservations were under his name! The dinner went extremely well. Conversation flowed like the propofol in Michael Jackson's bloodstream. I was witty, he was smart. I liked the outfit I was wearing, he had a nice smile. It was all going well. Finally, the moment of truth arrived. The check came. First of all, let me back up a bit. There has been an ongoing joke (joke? truth? I'm still not sure) for a while that this guy is the proud owner of a Black AmEx. Yeah. He could afford me. Anyway, I digress... the check came. I do the obligatory reach for the purse, at which point he is supposed to laugh and say "no, no, I got it! Thanks for being a beautiful, charming date this evening and gracing me with your presence." Well, maybe not that last part. But definitely the first part. Here comes the worst of it. Instead, he said:

"HOW ABOUT WE GO SPLITZSKIES?"

I'm sorry, what?

Yes, that's right. Not only did he want to SPLIT the check with me, he actually used the word "SPLITZSKIES." Dear Lord, help us all. I was a bit taken aback. I had been taken on some pretty extravagant dates recently (more on that later) and for an alleged owner of a Black American Express card, this was not what I thought I was in the cards... So, my response (probably, well, obviously, the wrong one...)

"Well gosh, I sure hope I have my wallet."

Of course I did. I once went on a date in high school where the guy actually had the nerve to tell me he "left his wallet in his other pants." I learned my lesson then that I needed to be prepared. But I'm older now. And was on (what I thought was) a date with Mr. Black AmEx! As if I weren't perturbed enough, Black AmEx then hands me his half in cash and suggests I put it all on my card. Well, golly, it sure was good I had just gotten paid because after I make my loan payments, the spending money sure gets hard to come by (hence the need to go on dates!). How embarrassing would that have been if my card had been declined? Or maybe he would've felt bad and things would've been different. Regardless, I paid the bill, got back in my car, and drove myself back home. Swearing the whole time that Splizskies would not get another chance with me-- or any other girl I knew, for that matter!

Guess who hasn't stopped calling/texting me since? That's right. Splitzskies.

here goes...

2010-02-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

They say I exaggerate. I tell them it's just that dramatic and exciting things have a way of finding me. Regardless, for years, those friends who are blessed to hear about my dramatic happenings have been pressuring me to write it down. Write. Write a book. Write a blog. JUST WRITE. I need to get these things down in case I one day forget that my life wasn't always dull. In fact, it was once interesting. So, here goes... I'm going to try and remain anonymous and keep the players in my stories anonymous because, well, because most of my stories are true. Aren't they?